I never anticipated having miscarriage on my brain, but as soon as we learned we were expecting, I was very much aware of the possibility that Yaffie would not make it. I have been doing everything in my power to give our baby a fighting chance, but there is an incredible sense of helplessness and lack of control when it comes to sustaining a child that is only a few weeks old.
As I worked through the fear of losing Yaffie, I realized that we will never really be able to control our children’s lives and safety. Once they are physically born, it may seem like we have more control, because we can see them and touch them and be responsible to keep them out of harm’s way. But they are still never really ours, and God has already ordained their days apart from our plans and care. In a way, it is a scary thought–knowing that God could take my child at any point–but really, it is a comforting and freeing truth to understand that what is best for us and our baby is exactly what God has sovereignly planned. That “best” may not be what I desire, but it is nonetheless very good.
At first, I thought it would be wise and mature not to get too attached to Yaffie early on, knowing that we had a good “chance” of miscarriage. But then I realized that each day that God allows me to be a mom is a gift He has bestowed, and it is perfectly good and precious to embrace everything about it and to love our baby with all my heart, provided I am still willing to let him go if God should require that. As long as Yaffie takes his proper place behind my love for and trust in God, I cannot treasure him too much!
I think the sense of helplessness we may feel in the early weeks of pregnancy is a great way to practice holding our child in an open hand before the Lord right from the start. I want to remember these feelings of dependency on God far beyond the cradle, as He continually teaches me that our children belong to Him and are ours to care for only as long as He allows. This frees us to love them with all our hearts, recognize them as the precious gifts that they are from God, and trust Him with their futures.
My worries quickly gave way to peace as God spoke truths into my heart and brought His Word to bear on my thoughts and emotions.
The fear of miscarriage was not something I had anticipated needing to work through, but it was a tool that God used to grow my faith, teach me to trust, and encourage me to embrace every moment of motherhood.