With the exciting new addition of Caleb back in November also came a lot of changes. Obviously, life takes a different turn when you add a little one who is entirely dependent on his parents for everything. But another new experience that I had not anticipated came from within myself. I discovered that I can very quickly fall into a pattern of fear and anxiety.
I am aware, of course, that one’s hormones can be crazy after a baby, so I know that some or much of this struggle could be hormone-related. But regardless, it is something I’ve had to learn how to address biblically.
Suddenly, with a child whom I loved more than breath itself in my care, I was easily given to imagining tragic scenarios involving Caleb’s wellbeing. News of turmoil around the globe could start me physically shaking within moments of considering the possible threats to our family’s safety. I can go from zero to sixty in a matter of seconds if I let my thoughts carry me into a pit of despair. It’s a short trip.
As we often say jokingly about trivial matters, “the struggle is real.” And a struggle, it has been. I’ve had to “respond” to each fearful thought with truth and often, direct Scripture quotes. I’ve had to cry out to my God on a regular basis, desperate for His power to remove my anxiety and replace it with peace. And what is exciting is, He has been faithful to do that as I have established a habit of running to Him and His Word.
For quite some time, I had been asking God to give me a deeper desire for the Bible. I wanted to experience the longing and thirst for it spoken of in the Psalms. If I missed spending time in it one day, I wanted to feel as if I had gone without a meal. I was discouraged with my often lukewarm love for Scripture.
In an unexpected way, God has used my fight with fear to grant that request and rekindle in me a deeper love for the Bible. I find myself truly, passionately yearning for it throughout the day. When I run into something that triggers my fear, I am almost immediately desperate for God’s Word. The verses that I have memorized have become like gold, and I am eager to commit more to memory as I stumble upon nugget after nugget hidden in that precious Book.
Although the newness of this struggle is likely largely postpartum-related, the Holy Spirit has proven more than a match for the thoughts and emotions I have experienced over the past seven months. Hormones may increase my tendency toward anxiety, but the Word of God is powerful enough to subdue my worries and impart peace. It has not been easy, but it has been sanctifying.
Praise God for the sufficiency and relevancy of His Word, His faithfulness to answer when I call, and His unchanging love for me even in my moments of doubting. I serve an incredible Savior.
If this is something you are dealing with, I would love to pray for you and share some of the Scripture passages that have become precious to me during this time.